the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
