did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
