You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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