i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
