just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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