The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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