I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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