pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
