The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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