it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
