You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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