You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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