I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
