Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
