My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
