I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
