I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
