I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
