i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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