I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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