Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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