She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Pappa wants mamma naked
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
