Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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