turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We talked him into tasing himself.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
