I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my being single is dangerous.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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