Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
