i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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