I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
