I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
