as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
