She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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