I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
