i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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