One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.