Define "chronic" masturbator.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo