OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision