evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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