oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?