Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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