nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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