at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
