You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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