STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I lost the right to judge tonight
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
