Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
