Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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