My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
