i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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