That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
