She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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