I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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