I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
