Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
