I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
