Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
