i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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