We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
